An Interview I Had

Sorry that it has been so long. I have been in a coma ever since that monkey escaped from the zoo and threw a rock at my head. In his defense the rock looked a lot like poop.

There have been many funny occurences that have happened of late. They are all worthy to be taken and expanded for your entertainment. For today I am going to tell you about a job interview that I had. When I was in Denver I went to an interview at a marketing agency. They let me know that they needed me to come back and quit my job without a two weeks notice if I was offered the position. To be honest I was hesitant because my current job, although REALLY weird (there will be another blog soon), has been good to me and I did not want to deprive them of my presence so quickly. You see people have to prepare themselves for my departure. Usually when I give a two weeks notice I slowly start replacing myself with a mannequin that looks like me (it is kind of like slowly mixing puppy food in milk to get the puppies used to it).

Anyway the "marketing firm" called back and asked me to join them on a shadow day. They told me that I would be doing things like "taking clients to lunch". As I got in the car with the two guys that worked there I felt like something weird was going on. Immediately they both lit up and filled the car with smoke. The idea of rolling the window down apparently did not occur to them. I even threw out a couple of coughs to say "I do not want to be rude and slap you in the back of the head, but please stop smoking or I might throw you out of the car." Needless to say this did not occur to them either.

Eventually we pulled into a random neighborhood and the guy (Nick) stopped the car. He then started changing into tennis shoes. He then grabbed a stack of coupon books and started banging on people's doors. Apparently at this "marketing firm" there are code words. "Client" means anybody who lives in a house, and "Out to lunch" means try to sell them a book of with coupons for free appetizers. I also learned that the salary they had quoted me was an estimate, based on the number of books that they thought I would sell.

Nick told me at the beginning of the ride out there that when people go on job shadows and then decide that they do not want to be door to door salesmen that he tells them to wait in his car until he was finished...at 8pm...it was now noon. So my options were laid out before me....sit in a car that smelled of stale cigarette smoke until 8pm. Call Meredith (who did not have her car) and ask her to borrow one and come pick me up....although I had no idea where I was. So of course I responded in the way any seminary graduate would...I lied to the guy. I do not want to make it sound like something it is not...it was a bold faced lie.

Here is what happened....I faked a phone call. and the dialogue was something like this....

Me: Hello.

Phone:.......

Me: Are you ok? What happened?

Phone:...

Me: At the school?

Phone:.........

Me: I am not near the car.

Phone:......

Me: Ya I can see if I can get a ride. I love you.

Phone:.......

Me: Bye babe.

At this point I looked over at Nick, who I thought of pressing some sort of charge against and said with the straightest face I could muster....

Me: I need a ride, my fiance just broke her arm.

Nick: Really?

Me: Ya I need a ride back to her car so I can go see her....at the hospital.

Nick: Do you need it now?

Me: Ya kinda...sorry (saying I was sorry was another lie).

Nick: Ok (in a frustrated voice).

Me: Thanks man I appreciate it.

Then we get in the car and start driving. I am sure he knew I was lying but I did not care. When he dropped me off the following took place.

Nick: I hope she is ok.

Me: I am sure she is fine (this was not a lie).

Nick: Well I do not mind. I mean I have a soul.

Me: Doubtful, you bully old people into buying coupn books why they think they are helping a wheelchair basketball team.

Nick: No it is a good deal.

Me: I am not buying a book.

Nick: You only have to use it once.

Me: I live in Texas

Nick: What about when you move up here?

Me:..........

Nick: Let me show you.

Me:.......

At this point in the conversation I had already walked away and replaced myself with the before metnioned mannequin. Also 20 minutes after driving away I got a job offer from another job....a real one. So I am moving to Denver after all....if only I had some sort of coupon book to get some free food.